Oh thank you Louise - and I'm so sorry I haven't been on here to say that to you before now! Kidney infection plus children's return to school has had me lose track of my days a little. Still hoping to get the September issue up next week though and will be very happy if it calls forth another contribution from you. Tan xx
Oh you poor woman! Kidney infection no joke!!! Have lost track myself. In Connemara presently and left the clocks behind in Dublin!! I wrote a little piece this morning spurred on by your kind invitation and thought provoking piece. Hope you feel much better soon! Lxx
What was the unstable balance which existed in my tiny world and my growing sense of self was cruelly upended in 1973 when I was fourteen. The loss of a loving parent was also the loss of my internal compass and the beginning of decades of trying to fill that void with people, places and things, which became like trying to put two magnets together, the repulsion being me. I constantly looked for myself in the eyes of others. I tried to please the unpleasable, to attract the unavailable and travelled to far flung places to try and leave myself behind. I lived with a sense of being less of being stupid and later this morphed into the imposter syndrome. I could not own my true self.
When I had my children in my thirties the blurry barrier started to lift and I glimpsed myself in their eyes, the purity of real love mine and theirs. Being a mother was the first true expression and unconditional state of being since before the loss of a father.
The other path to reclaiming myself was my creative expression. As a mature student one of my tutors nurtured that shoot she saw in me something I could not and a belief in my abilities and expression started to bear fruit. Slowly a wholeness was forming, flaws and all. Over time I worked on those, throwing one stick away at a time until now I walk unaided, I limp and fall but get back up and stay on my own path which is rich and lush. I look to nature and the sea to nurture my soul and the company of like minded people. My children and grandchildren are my sun the land I inhabit.
Louise - moved to tears reading this by you. Thank you for contributing it to the archive. Here is your link to it on the book site... best as ever. Tx
Ah, thank you! IтАЩm doing the bookтАЩs full cover (& purpose) reveal to all subscribers tomorrow at 11.50am just before Twitter & Instagram (& with more backstory) Xxx
Hi Louise,I was moved by your writing and it resonated with me as I lost my dad suddenly at 17. The idea of your internal compass being affected is so disarming isnтАЩt it ? Also took me years to understand how this had affected me and my choices in a way you seem to express too.
Interested too in your experience of becoming a parent тАж.I was rather shaken by this in a way I hadnтАЩt expected. I think like you it was feeling that rawness of love .
Thank you Louise. Yes loss of a father certainly interfered with a lot and subsequently became a part of who I am. Lovely to touch that lonely place with you. So understand. Xx
I just love this piece Tanya! I can really relate and oh how wonderful to be shown who you are through trust.
Oh thank you Louise - and I'm so sorry I haven't been on here to say that to you before now! Kidney infection plus children's return to school has had me lose track of my days a little. Still hoping to get the September issue up next week though and will be very happy if it calls forth another contribution from you. Tan xx
Oh you poor woman! Kidney infection no joke!!! Have lost track myself. In Connemara presently and left the clocks behind in Dublin!! I wrote a little piece this morning spurred on by your kind invitation and thought provoking piece. Hope you feel much better soon! Lxx
To thine own self
What was the unstable balance which existed in my tiny world and my growing sense of self was cruelly upended in 1973 when I was fourteen. The loss of a loving parent was also the loss of my internal compass and the beginning of decades of trying to fill that void with people, places and things, which became like trying to put two magnets together, the repulsion being me. I constantly looked for myself in the eyes of others. I tried to please the unpleasable, to attract the unavailable and travelled to far flung places to try and leave myself behind. I lived with a sense of being less of being stupid and later this morphed into the imposter syndrome. I could not own my true self.
When I had my children in my thirties the blurry barrier started to lift and I glimpsed myself in their eyes, the purity of real love mine and theirs. Being a mother was the first true expression and unconditional state of being since before the loss of a father.
The other path to reclaiming myself was my creative expression. As a mature student one of my tutors nurtured that shoot she saw in me something I could not and a belief in my abilities and expression started to bear fruit. Slowly a wholeness was forming, flaws and all. Over time I worked on those, throwing one stick away at a time until now I walk unaided, I limp and fall but get back up and stay on my own path which is rich and lush. I look to nature and the sea to nurture my soul and the company of like minded people. My children and grandchildren are my sun the land I inhabit.
Louise - moved to tears reading this by you. Thank you for contributing it to the archive. Here is your link to it on the book site... best as ever. Tx
https://thecureforsleep.com/august-issue-sizeshape/#LouiseNewman
Just ordered my Hard copy from Amazon!!!ЁЯСП Delighted, xx
Ah, thank you! IтАЩm doing the bookтАЩs full cover (& purpose) reveal to all subscribers tomorrow at 11.50am just before Twitter & Instagram (& with more backstory) Xxx
The best of all luck. Xxx
Hi Louise,I was moved by your writing and it resonated with me as I lost my dad suddenly at 17. The idea of your internal compass being affected is so disarming isnтАЩt it ? Also took me years to understand how this had affected me and my choices in a way you seem to express too.
Interested too in your experience of becoming a parent тАж.I was rather shaken by this in a way I hadnтАЩt expected. I think like you it was feeling that rawness of love .
Thanks for your writing.
Thank you Louise. Yes loss of a father certainly interfered with a lot and subsequently became a part of who I am. Lovely to touch that lonely place with you. So understand. Xx