This month’s advance extract from The Cure For Sleep is about choice: those rare moments in life when we are brought to a sudden need to decide on something that will alter the course of our days. After reading, do share a short true tale of your own - no more than 300 words – on this theme in the comments section.
You can read the stories already contributed by readers over on The Cure For Sleep website
june’s extract
The only thing missing for Nye and I now in our mid-twenties (or so we told ourselves) was a home of our own, and this we found soon after marriage on a single day of searching when we looked at just three terraced houses, the last of which had cupboards full of mouldering food left behind by its long-gone tenants.
Despite the stink, the disorder, we found ourselves checking every room, each feature, as if it were a newborn: See the old wood panelling under the stairs! The little lean-to beyond the living-room window – just like his Gran’s! The back door to it was locked, so we lifted the sash and climbed through to the porch.
That hot plastic smell of his childhood, mine!
We had to have it.
Whimsy. Fun. Instinct. Lightness. How some of the best – and worst – decisions of a life are made. Walking over a threshold and seeing a stranger, a set of rooms, and emptying one’s head, one’s pockets. Taking a hand, a key. Exchanging the milk cow for the magic beans. Thinking not of cost or profit. Refusing the call of future possibilities that will fall away when choosing this place, that person. The way it is done: from smell, sound, stomach; all the senses coming together to assay the moment.
Every spare hour we had found for the writing life, we gave over now to the removal of wallpaper, carpets and ceiling tiles, before eating soup cold from tins and reading by candlelight for the months it took to get the electrics made safe. Sleeping happy on a mattress on the floor surrounded by the strange confetti made by all the debris.
Work and home began to balance, and when either of us in a rare empty minute felt the lack of friends or our old literary ambition, we trusted to the future. We were young still; that time would come again.
about tanya
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Oh gosh Tanya
I hope that you are well
I’m so sorry I completely forgot about the word count !!!! Apologies 💖
Thanks for asking about my writing , I’m still working on the first draft and I am making notes everyday which I plan to sift through and work into the first draft as soon as the college year ends in July ! I’m so looking forward to it and as it approaches I’m appreciative of your substack as an outlet .
Thank you 🙏 💖🙏
"Welcome Charlotte " , she gushed in her usual uplifting tone and Eastern European accent.
I love booking a massage with Evita when funds will allow , which is far and few between but this was a treat to myself for my birthday and Evita is amazing , so professional , intuitive and skilled. I'm not writing a testimonial here for her but finding her massage was like finding 'the right' hairdresser after years of seriously disappointing hair cuts.
After a few 'plain uncomfortable , or just not hitting the spot' massage experiences , it was a relief to find Evita. I had read her bio which explained that she had practised massage as a child and that it was a very normal ritual in her culture to give and receive massage at home as self care . I thought about how lovely this sounded , to embrace massage as something as normal as washing your hair rather than an expensive luxury , many of us can't afford to do regular if at all.
"Nice to see you Charlotte , how are you " Evita gleefully asked as she bounced up the stairs ahead of me . "I'm good thanks , just a bit tired, and you ?" , she looked at me a little surprised , as if she's not used to been asked how she is and went on to say hastily that she was happy to be working and that she had left the kids with her husband. "Yeah " , I agreed . "Oh no " she responded briskly "Its fine , its life , its the way it is , isn't it? "
“It isn’t for me “ , I thought . My response surprised me , I found it slightly abstruse, but I guess I was just acknowledging that 'it isn't the way life is' for me , having kids to look after I mean.
She turned back to look at me , I smiled .
"This white sage spray will allow you to let go of whatever is blocking you and this lavender spray will help you with bringing things into your life, things that you wish to receive … like a new house"
"Mmm " , I thought "This is a new addition to the already top level ceremony , that is having a massage with Evita"
I excitedly thought about what I wanted to let go of , life is feeling pretty good at the moment but maybe there's some remaining baggage from that situation at work or from them family concerns . These options didn’t seem that pressing as I have already put work into them but they would have to do, after all I wanted to make the best of this opportunity to 'let go'.
"Mmm, and what will I ask to receive ? " I thought . Evita had already planted a seed with the new house , and actually, I would love a house of my own at long last but again I’ve done the work. It will happen in time !
I knew how amazingly skilled Evita is at holistic massage but I'd some how forgotten just how much of a magical experience she creates , but today felt like 'a whole other level ' .
I was now laid face down happily imagining letting go , As always I was overthinking for a while , maybe my head goes a bit haywire trying to work out parameters , knowing I’m naked in a room with a person I don’t know all that well. I encouraged myself to relax , breathe.
I was gently, thinking of this and that , then Evita pressed down on the hand left side of my lower back , hip area and boom ! Seemingly out of no where , a cloud of sadness came over me . She hadn’t hurt me , it wasn’t physical but it was as if she had pressed a button in my body and it had simultaneously opened up a pocket of sadness , that unbeknown to me had been nestled inside of my body for time .
Still faced down, I noticed tears had started to drip out of my eyes and were heading towards the floor. I thought about the abortion I had over twenty years ago and in an instant my intellect kicked in with , "but I’ve worked this out I’ve let it go , what's this about ?" and in another flash my heart and head seemed to intuitively connect the dots , "but I haven't grieved been childless for the rest of this life and is that the final decision ? , Yes it is , I think "
I inhaled and exhaled , there was a fleeting and familiar pang of guilt , for the foetus that I had aborted decades earlier but also another not so familiar sense of ungratefulness for not using my healthy womb in the way nature had intended. I silently whispered some gratitude to my ovaries and explained that I won't be using them in that way in this life , maybe in the next life though , maybe il have several children in the next life .
And I let it go.
“I’m going to turn you around now “Evita hummed in her soothing voice
“Would you like a tissue ?“ , she asks .
What ? How does she know , it was a few tears and I don't think I had made any sound to suggest I had shed a tear or two, but I guess she ‘just knew ‘ , the way Evita does.
“ I didn’t expect to get emotional “ , I gasped , as I turned over to my front side and faced her.
“ It’s ok , it’s normal it can happen sometimes with massage , better out , than in “ she chirped reassuringly.
Now , I was face up and considering the energy that I wanted to receive and which was naturally uplifting my whole being whilst cleansing away what had just happened in the space of my body.
"Hmmm" , I inhaled and exhaled and considered , nurturing relationships , acceptance , wellness , contentment and I’d love my own house , but all in good time.